Dealing With High Conflict Individuals

Whether a high conflict individual is your boss, a co-worker, your neighbour or someone that you live with, high conflict people can be a real challenge to deal with. Trying to understand what triggers this aggressive reaction does help determine how we react to these confrontational situations which can help us navigate through it if not in a constructive way, perhaps at least a less destructive way. Sometimes, however, we may never know “where that reaction of theirs” is coming from, but at least we know how to manage ourselves in the heat of the moment. So let us discuss first on how to deal with the aggressive party and second, how to deal with our own reactions.

Through my experience and studies there are different models to handling high conflict situations. All models acknowledge “Trauma Brain” which, simply put, is our fight or flight, adrenaline fueled brain response to a difficult situation: we are actually using a different part of our brain which some call our “reptilian brain.” It is our “less creative and logical part of our brains.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to argue with a reptile so we need to de-escalate the individual in 2 ways: First, don’t increase their anger, and second, we need de-escalate them with understanding and empathy.

Here is a website dedicated to the Emergency Medical Industry:

https://www.ems1.com/ems-products/education/articles/this-1-magic-phrase-will-stop-patient-conflicts-QwuewLBXVtyyy6tJ/

What I liked, here, was the specific wording they suggest that one can use to try to communicate to the other party that we are actively listening to them. I used to say “correct me if I am wrong, but this is what I think you are saying…” A wise instructor pointed out to me that by saying this, it made me sound “weak.” Ouch. So I searched for a better phrase and on this website the author says that this is the magic phrase: “Let me see if I understand you correctly…” and then paraphrase. I fell in love with this phrase: it does sound better.

Our next step is to add a pinch of empathy. Phrases such as “I see that you are upset,” or “I hear that you are really mad,” or “From your tone, I can see that this is really bothering you.” Simply describe what you see, try not to add any more, and especially try not to put a personal comparison in there such as “I was in a similar situation too” or “that would make me mad”. The first phrase trivializes their trauma and, quite frankly, they might not agree with your comparison: in their mind it might not be even close to what they are experiencing. This response of ours would risk communicating to them that you don’t understand and this may serve to aggravate the situation further. The second response validates their anger. Again, this may serve to continue the undesirable behaviour as opposed to de-escalating it. So again, describe what you see, but don’t elaborate.

The 2 pieces of advice as discussed above (seeking to understand + communicating empathy) serve to de-escalate. Phrases such as “calm down!” usually escalates the aggression, because it sounds belittling. Giving people options, empowers them/respects them and encourages their “reasoning” part of the brain to kick in. Giving them options empowers you as well, because you are the one coming up with options, which may also be in your best interest as well. Examples of such options may be to continue to conversation at another time or at another place. This may be especially beneficial to you because you, as well, may have been triggered by the confrontation, and this would allow you to de-escalate your own emotions.

In short then, to de-escalate a high conflict individual, remember the following:

1. Describe what you see: “I see that you are really upset”

2. Seek to express understanding: “Let me see if I understand you correctly” + paraphrase

3. Provide options to continue the dialogue, which may be at another time or place.

Lastly, a bit of advice, realize that our own reptilian brain may kick in when confronted, so this response must be practiced in order to internalize our response as an automatic response, and not to regress to the one we grew up with where we just froze, yelled back, or got defensive.